Sex Ed
by WolfPilot06
Summary: In which Naruto is an idiot, Sasuke is a miscommunicative bastard, and there is an allaround abuse of italics.


**Title:** Sex Ed

**Author: **WolfPilot06

**Pairing:** SasuNaru

**Warnings:** Shonen ai, language, boys being boys, Naruto being an idiot, Sasuke being a miscommunicative bastard, abuse of italics, humor

**Notes:** Written in less than an hour, just because I _could_. Minimally checked for errors, utterly silly.

When Naruto opens his door at 3:12AM in the morning to insistent pounding, the last thing he expects is to find Sasuke standing there, looking decidedly murderous with his fist still lifted in the air. Well, no; he's come to expect _that_ from Sasuke, but he definitely doesn't expect Sasuke to tuck his hands in his pockets, eye Naruto like some kind of confusing and slightly disgusting puzzle, and say, with absolutely no inflection in his voice, "I want to have sex".

It's so unexpected that for a long moment, Naruto just blinks at him, suspicious but not entirely getting the picture.

"Okay," he says after five minutes pass and Sasuke's still standing on his doorstep like a statue, "That's great. Why did you need to tell me this again?"

Sasuke just _growls_ and all at once, Naruto _gets the picture_.

"Oh!" he yelps, forgetting entirely that it's 3:12 – now 3:17 – in the morning, and that his neighbors are mostly psychotic shinobi who would gladly gut him, given the chance. He remembers, though, when a kunai embeds itself in the wood at his feet, and it brings him back to his senses long enough to yank Sasuke inside.

They stand there in Naruto's puny entrance hall for a very long time, just staring at each other. Inside, Naruto's dying of embarrassment just a little bit. He never really thought he'd find himself in this situation, honestly, even though he'd dreamt of it more than once when he was supposed to be paying attention to more important things. Sasuke still hasn't changed expression since his initial announcement, which isn't making it any easier for Naruto to do decide what to do.

"Listen, uh," Naruto begins uneasily, scratching at the back of his head and wishing he had the power to melt through floors, "You sure you meant to knock on my door? I mean, uh, Kakashi-sensei or Sakura are probably better people to turn to for this kind of thing – "

Sasuke's glare _intensifies_, which Naruto never thought was possible, either. For a moment, he wonders if he's dreaming, and curses his subconscious if he is, because this is one _fucked up _dream.

"No," Sasuke says shortly, "It has to be you."

Which leaves Naruto scratching at his head even more furiously than before, and contemplating how rude it might be to kick Sasuke out at this point, and how this is going to change their already rocky friendship, and _why_ did Sasuke think this was a good idea, again?

"Have you never, uh, done this kind of thing before?" Naruto has to ask, and Sasuke just _arches_ an eyebrow at him and makes Naruto feel like an idiot. For a brief, intense moment, Naruto hates Sasuke's eyebrows; nobody else possesses facial features with the ability to make Naruto feel like a Grade-A moron with a single twitch. "Okay, um. Well. Where do you want to start?"

There goes that eyebrow again.

"_Here_," Sasuke says slowly.

"Well, _duh_," Naruto snaps and tries not to sink through the floor, "I doubt you really want to do this in a _bar_ or at _Ichiraku_. I meant, um, _what_ do you want to start with?"

There's this strange expression dawning on Sasuke's face, as if something has managed to completely confound him and he's not quite sure what to do with it.

"I figured," Sasuke says even more slowly than before, "That it would start with _clothes_ being taken off."

"Okay, great," Naruto says desperately, searching through his memory for any little bit of information he managed to get from peeking at Ero-Sennin's manuscripts. He doesn't really know much more about having sex than Sasuke does, but if his rival thinks he does, he's certainly not going to pass up the opportunity to one-up him. "That's a good starting point, yeah. Um, well, do you…do you want to have sex with a _guy_ or a _girl_?"

The strange expression is intensifying now; Sasuke's eyeing Naruto with even more confusion and incredulity than before, which is quite a feat, considering how limited Sasuke's facial expression vocabulary is.

"A _guy_, moron," Sasuke says emphatically, which sets off Naruto's head-scratching again.

"Okay," Naruto admits, "This is awkward. Why are you asking _me_ again?"

"Because I thought you might be _willing_ to," Sasuke replies, that funny look still on his face, "Considering you think we're best friends and all."

"We _are_ best friends," Naruto declares automatically, and realizes that he doomed himself to this long ago. He slumps with a sigh and starts squirming. "Okay, then. So'm."

"So…" Again with the eyebrow. It's going to crawl off of Sasuke's face if it raises any higher, Naruto thinks morbidly. He sighs again and fixes his eyes on a point past Sasuke's shoulder. Damned if he's going to look at Sasuke's face when he's doing this.

"Okay, so. Um. When two guys have sex, u-usually one's on top, and uh, one's on bottom. Meaning, y'know, the one on _top_ does the – does the sticking his _dick_ in the other guy's uh, um. _You know_. Only, that usually hurts like _hell_, or so I hear, so uh, usually the _topping_ guy has to use, um, er, _lube_ to – uh – to reduce _friction_ so the bottom guy doesn't get hurt or something, and I think, uh, that they're supposed to uh, _stretch_ the other guy with their finger or something to um…um…yeah, and then they um, y'know, _do it_. Y'know."

Naruto's face is so hot, he thinks he's going to explode into flames any minute now. He's actually kind of surprised that Kyuubi hasn't burst out already, considering how _embarrassed_ he is at the moment, and he can't quite bring himself to look at Sasuke's face. Which is a good thing, because thirty long seconds later, Sasuke sighs and covers his face with one hand.

"Naruto," Sasuke says very, very slowly, enunciating every syllable distinctly, "When I said I wanted to have sex, I didn't mean that I wanted you to explain to me how to _have_ sex. I meant that I want to have sex _with you_."

And in a sudden rush of enlightenment, Naruto _gets it_. He gets it so hard that he doesn't utter a word of protest as Sasuke steers him to the bed and starts undressing him.

"Oh," he says, pleased that he finally _got it_, "Well, why didn't you _say_ so?"

Sasuke just sighs and kisses him.

--

The End

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Comments and criticism most welcome!

Wolf


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